Random Thoughts on leaving "The Church"

Several years ago, a family we had known for quite some time informed many of us - via email - that they were leaving our local congregation to attend a different local congregation. (Not exactly a surprise, it happens regularly. We have joked about installing a revolving door in the sanctuary.) Actually, their email was sent after the fact; in reality, they had already left. The reasons they listed were many.

(Three years later, I actually just left... without saying anything to anyone (other than my husband, of course), reasoning that I did not want to sow seeds of dissatisfaction or dissent. And now, as I have pondered this post, the irony is not lost on me.)

Their email read, in part:

I have examined this over and over in my mind and heart and came to realize that we have gone to [a certain local] church for 28 years without leaving....but the church has "left" us.  [My daughter] said it pretty clearly...when she said something about looking around and not feeling like it's her church anymore...that is how I was feeling, too.  I was still in the same "place" but the place wasn't the same.  I asked myself: if I was moving into town for the first time, is this where I would choose to fellowship.  The answer, sadly, was no.

Upon reading their whole letter, my initial response was frustration and betrayal (and, let's face it: Entitlement.) After all, we had fellowshipped with this family for 20+ years. We had been in several small home studies with them. We had worked side-by-side on the same ministry teams. We had attended the same Christian education classes. Oddly enough, after complaining that "so many of [their] friends" had left, they chose to inform those of us who remained by a blanket email. Were my feelings dented? You bet they were. So, in order to process my feelings in a way that was meaningful for me, I wrote out my response, filed it, and kept my thoughts to myself. 

Their letter generated several days' conversation at our house, and probably for reasons most people do not consider.

• "The church has left us."
• It's not "their" church anymore.
• "I'm in the same place."
• "The place wasn't the same."

First, I'd like to address my initial reaction: The place is NOT the same. And I say: THANK GOODNESS for that, who wants to be in a stagnant rut where no one grows or changes? And, yes – a lot of other people have “moved on.” Let's just speak out the truth here. Many people leave a certain local congregation because they don't really grasp what "church" is supposed to be about. Our culture has fallen into a cultural trap of thinking that "church" is the sanctified religious equivalent of a country club, complete with instant friends, instant social connections, instant entertainment... So when their friends leave, they feel justified in saying "I don't know anyone", or "it doesn't feel like home"... I have heard dozens more excuses, but I think the bottom line is that we bring our expectations for self-fulfillment with us when we come to church.

PEOPLE!!! That is not what church is for!!! 

(Ack! I’m sorry, but this really annoys me.)

Be that as it may, the question begged to be asked: What did [the writer of this email] personally bring to the table to make church a welcoming place? Right or wrong, this has been my observation: Many people come and sit in the First Touch Café by themselves and don't bother to invite others to their table. They come in late for worship and sit all together, just their little clan, and don't interact with anyone else, not even during the "meet and greet" stretch before the sermon. When someone comes over to say "hello" to them, a typical response is frequently "Hmmph!"

The whole concept that "I'm in the same place" struck me as tragic. If they have been in that church for 20 years and have not grown, I have to wonder what they are doing with their time. One would hope that 20 years of instruction and mentoring would result in some changes and greater maturity.

But, I have left my "pettest" peeve for last: 'This is not THEIR church anymore.' OK. I think I know what they were trying to say, but do they even realize what they really said? No, this never was THEIR church. Hopefully, it will continue to be God's church. And maybe whoever compared this Exodus to the thinning of Gideon's army was right. But I for one continue to be a little dismayed when I see who is being "thinned out". But I am NOT dismayed when I consider that God knows The Plan He has for [our local congregation], and they are plans for good and not for evil. So I am going to continue to trust Him.

Micah 6:8: what does the LORD require of [me]? … to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with [my] God.

As I reflect on it, I think that’s all I should have been concerned about.

There is a daily Jewish prayer which some scholars believe corresponds to the part of the “Lord’s Prayer” ‘Thy will be done as it is in heaven’ that reads:

Return us, Adonai, to your teachings, draw us near our King to serve You. Restore us to Your presence in complete repentance. Blessed are you Adonai, who desires repentance.

Seriously, can I just pray that and live it? In the end, I can only be responsible for myself and making sure I have the right response to others.

I wrapped up my thoughts this way, and again I can't help but reflect on the irony of my wounded words, given my current personal lack of corporate church attendance:

I do not personally agree with how church is "done" in our culture, but that is just a product of where I am at with the Lord and what I have walked through in the past 40+ years; it has nothing to do with [our pastors] and the words that are coming from the front. I truly believe they are seeking the Lord for wisdom and are listening to Him and doing their best to edify the body. 

Bottom line: Is the truth being taught? Is Christ being lifted up? After that, the rest is more about what I bring to the table.

I guess I'm really not done thinking about this.